Last night, I had this dream that Simon was cheating on me, so, of course I am mad at him today. I’ve been trying to tell him about the dream all day, because it was the first really vivid one I’ve had in a long time, and I actually think it was pretty interesting. But he keeps telling me he doesn’t want to hear about it because it’s nasty (that’s pronounced “nAH-stee” instead of the normal “nasty”, on account of his British accent. it also means “horrible” and not “gross.”)*
So, I thought I would tell y’all about it, because I think it’s pretty entertaining, and the more I tell it and realize how funny the whole thing was, the less I will be mad at him for crimes he did not commit.
It started out with me sitting in a restaurant, or, like, a Dairy Queen, in a booth with Simon and some other people, and then this very petite, brown-haired girl** in jeans and a pink t-shirt came and sat by Simon on the other side, and then I was like, “Wa-..are y’all holding hands?” And they were.
And I was like, “Simon!? What the heck?”
And he was like, “What? She moved to Smithfield and she doesn’t know anyone.” As if that was a perfectly good excuse to start dating someone when you’re already in a relationship. I’m not sure if we were married yet, but I kept yelling, “I saved myself for you!”
Apparently we were in the food court of some mall, because then I went upstairs and was leaning over the railing watching them come up the escalator, feeling sick and yelling at them. Then, I said, “How old are you?” to the very petite girl, and she was like, “17.”
When I woke up, I was pissed. But also very relieved that my husband was not having an extramarital affair with a child.
*nAH-stee is like a secret code word we use in arguments. I guess, technically, it is neither secret nor code, but what I mean is that, if we’re arguing, and Simon says, “Stop being so nAH-stee,” I always say “I’m not being nAH-stee,” and then we’re done arguing because I’m overwhelmed with how cute it is that Simon talks like that and he’s overwhelmed with how cute I am because I’m Southern and try to do a British accent. Basically, we’re pretty sick.
**i.e., my complete opposite.