The Fear

March 21, 2013


Last Friday, I made a list of things people have said to me recently about my pregnancy.  Most of them were about my size, but one was just this:

“Come out, Baby Dwight!”

Before this past weekend, my response to that was a (sometimes aggressive) “No! Don’t!”

I thought it was because I had such a long to-do list of pre-baby practicalities staring me in the face, but over the weekend, something became clear to me: it was because of The Fear.

Saturday night, I got into bed and pulled out the little journal where I write letters to Adlai: things I want him to know when he’s older, things I want to remember myself.  I felt heavy as I wrote, and before I knew it, I was telling him I was scared.  And I was sad.  And I was mourning the end of this season of him and me.

Simon walked in to me scribbling hard and crying harder, and he asked what was wrong, and that was it.

It all came out.  Stuff I didn’t even know I felt, fears I’d been walking around with, holding onto, afraid to name.

I was scared.

Scared of how I’m going to cope with two small children.  Scared Adlai will feel abandoned.  Scared I won’t have what it takes.

Scared of having a horrendous labour.  Scared this baby will be sick, like Adlai was, and will have to go to the neo-natal unit and I will have to worry and cry over him, like I did for Adlai.

I was scared that the good God had done in Adlai’s first year of life – the healing He did in our marriage through us walking through the fire of sleepless nights and not communicating and learning to love each other and Adlai all at once – that it would be undone.

I was scared that the good God had done in my heart – the healing He did through my feeling like an outsider everywhere I went, through my sitting on the fringes, having to leave parties and church for feedings, feeling like a spectator – that it would all be undone.  That I would have to start from scratch.

All of it poured out there, tears on the pages of Adlai’s little journals, snot running down my face, great heaving sobs pouring out of me uncontrollably at 11:30pm, while I tried not to cry so loud I would wake Adlai in the next room.

Simon sat there on the bed and listened.  He got me a tissue.  And when I was done, I laid down, and he held my hand and prayed.  I fell asleep soon after, spent from being 39 weeks pregnant and from pouring myself out.

It took a little while on Sunday for it to sink in.  For me to realize the difference.  But I felt it.  The Lightness.  The Readiness.  And when someone at church said, “When’s he coming?” I said, “Soon, I hope.” And I meant it.

Often, great healing can take weeks, months, years.

But sometimes all it takes is one night.  One night of pouring your heart out, then resting, and waking to find the burden has been lifted.

The Fear is gone.

14 responses to “The Fear”

  1. katiejo42 says:

    When I’m afraid I sing this song:
    Perilous waters beneath my feet. I will walk on the waves of the raging sea. For I know every word You have spoken to me. Those storm clouds they gather above my head. And darkness surrounds me, yet again. That’s when I stop and remember how faithful You’ve been. My Lord is a fortress, a refuge is He. My horn of salvation, my help in need. And I know when I call He’ll come running towards me. My God is for me. Who can stand against me? Perilous waters upon my shore. Danger is knocking on my front door. But I am my Father’s Son. I’m not afraid anymore.

  2. Realising that I can’t do it is all the invitation God needs to get in the mess with me. It’s good to know your limits. Then you can lay it down and give it to the One with none. Excited for you – it wont be long. xxx

  3. larkandbloom says:

    Faith, this is so good.

  4. meganrae1988 says:

    I went through something very similar a few weeks ago… And The Lord gave me a verse to hang on to: “my grace is sufficient.”

    I will be praying His peace stays with you.

  5. Rin says:

    Beautiful words.
    You can do it.

  6. Just want to give you a hug…your honesty is so refreshing…you are a great momma.

  7. shelia says:

    oh goodness. I think this is me. :-/

  8. Courtney says:

    So real. So brave. He will never give you more than you can bear. xoxo

  9. beautifulfrolic says:

    Why can’t I hit LIKE on this? Actually, why can’t I hit LOVE on this?
    He’s so good to us, letting us work things out. And a good cry is so incredibly liberating.
    Glad you’re breathing easier, pretty Momma.
    He’s got it. 🙂 Just rest.

  10. What God has done with you and your marriage can not be undone… You and your husband are held together by Him, He will not let go as long as you don’t let go either…yesterday I wrote a post about this based on a lovely quote: never place a period where God has placed a comma, God is still speaking… Love and Faith for Him and for each other will get you through the toughies… My prayers are for you and your lovely family, Alexandra

  11. Everyone else has said it wonderfully; this is beautiful.

  12. Kaela Moore says:

    So beautiful and REAL. It’s terrifying to imagine reliving hard times and having to relearn lessons in painful situations. Sometimes just realizing and voicing our fears is enough to overcome them. God is with you. This baby and this season is NEW. I’m praying God will give you peace as you step into this. He has given you every tool you need to live out this life. (2 Peter 1:3-4)
    Thank you for sharing this beautiful, transparent moment.

  13. Very beautiful words. Thank you for your honesty and for your willingness to share.

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