This is better.

March 24, 2011

Some days, like today, something funny happens while I’m doing something normal with my son – changing his diaper, wiping his sticky eye with a cotton ball, watching him carefully form his little mouth around his new “ooo” sounds.

Today, it was while I was feeding him.

His warm body was cuddled up against me, curled around my stomach while he ate and began to slip into his two o’clock nap.  I was watching Friends or Gilmore Girls or one of the other shows I turn on when I’m confined to the couch for his twenty-minute dinner times.  I felt his tummy rise and fall against mine.  I heard his quiet breath.  Occasionally, he’d let out a contented sigh.

We do this every day.  Five times a day, usually.

But this time, that thing happened.  That funny thing, where I look at him as if seeing him for the first time.  Where the world kind of fades into the background and it’s just me and him, and I realize I am 29 and live in a flat in England with my British husband.  Where I realize I am a mother.  Where I realize I’ve been entrusted with the life of a human being.  Where I realize my son is here.  The waiting is over.  The years I spent pining for a child, the nine months I spent feeling him grow inside of me.  That is behind me.  He’s here.  He lives and breathes and shares our lives with us.

I don’t understand how this happened.

I take a moment to make sure this is real, and that I haven’t dreamed it all.  I pinch myself and it hurts.  But the pain is sweet, because I wouldn’t trade this for any dream.

3 responses to “This is better.”

  1. Brooke Bowman says:

    Faith, I love you! You have the greatest way of saying these things. I feel that exact way when I look at my kids. You’re caught up in the everyday chaos and frustrations (especially with a curious toddler), but then there is that moment when you see them as if for the first time and fall in love all over again. It’s amazing and huge. I sometimes worry that I’m going to ruin their lives. Not really, but what a responsibility. All the things that we feel like our parents did wrong, or somehow molded us into who we are, that will be our kids feeling similar things one day! I want so badly to be the mom they need and that God planned for me to be. And I want them to ALWAYS know that they are precious, and cherished and loved and WANTED. That we WANTED them long before they were born. How many kids never know the feeling of being wanted… 🙁
    I love your blog (what I’ve read) and I love you! We had good times in college and I bet we’d have good times as mommies if we were on the same continent LOL 🙂 You rock Faith girl!

  2. Jennifer says:

    Lovely. That’s exactly what I hope to feel one day with my own children and I dream of that day. Thanks for sharing. I can’t wait to see you in a few weeks and I can’t wait to meet this sweet little angel. Love you.

  3. […] This is Better (about how I can’t quite believe this is my life.) […]

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